Wifey
by ThanksIllPass
Summary: Wade keeps calling Peter his wifey and Peter doesn't like it


Being in a relationship with Wade was more ordinary than one might have expected. They had fun together, they got bored together, they fought, they made up – pretty normal stuff really. For every amazing thing about Wade there was an infuriating one. Well, maybe two. Peter was pretty happy with him. He was more than happy with the sex they had. He was less than happy with Wade's annoying habits, but nobody was perfect. Peter was willing to cast a blind eye on them. That's why the first time Wade called him his "Wifey," Peter took it like a man – he pretended he hadn't heard it. He pretended so hard he actually believed he'd misheard. Their life was back to the usual level of disturbing.

Peter payed the pizza boy and locked the door behind him, and then went to the kitchen to take out the plates from the cabinet. What. That's how _civilized_ people eat, alright? He passed Wade the plate and placed the pizza box on the coffee table.

"Aw, you're such a good Wifey, Petey" Wade cooed. Peter almost dropped his plate; it was _back_. Peter imagined his pride as a big black ball of thorns, so it was hard to swallow. He managed anyway. Wade didn't know it yet, but he owed Peter a blowjob of a lifetime. _Lifetime_.

"Eat your pizza and there'd better be no stains on the couch or I'll have you clean them with your tongue" he grumbled angrily.

They were out dealing with Rhino, and that was always a bother. Not so much because of the rock hard bulk of muscle trying to squash him into a building, but because Rhino was honestly lowering Peter's IQ just by appearing in a 10 meter radius of him. Wade was a necessary company, really. Even if he was currently drinking coffee with Hydra Bob, probably discussing a new job, and having no intention whatsoever of helping Peter out. Just listening to the unintelligible hum of his voice was a blessing compared to the stream of sheer _stupid_ coming out of Rhino's mouth.

"Need a hand, baby boy?" Wade asked when Peter coincidentally landed on Wade's table. "I really hope you're going to say no, because I was only asking to be polite."

Peter huffed and shoot his web in front of him, planning on attacking Rhino from behind. Wade giggled, as if he could hear Peter's thoughts. When Peter was already back in the air, he could hear Wade telling Bob that "his Wifey was very naughty." Peter would have gladly expressed his outrage, but Rhino picked that exact moment to squash Peter into a building. _The nerve_.

Peter didn't get sick too often, but when he did, he honestly wished he was dead. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he couldn't even breathe properly. Wade had insisted on staying with him the whole time. It's not like he had anything better to do. Peter thought it was incredibly sweet, and wished he could express his gratitude. Well, that was before Peter realized that Wade's idea of nursing Peter back to health was dressing up in a slutty nurse outfit and serving pancakes with cough syrup instead of a maple one. Peter could only hope his eyes conveyed everything he couldn't say.

"Are you feeling any better, Spidey?" Wade asked, stroking Peter's hair. Peter smiled, because it felt really nice and soothing. He loved Wade's hands. "Because this is kinda getting boring. I would have expected to have more fun in this outfit, really."

Peter could only roll his eyes and whimper pathetically. Wade sighed. He soaked a clean cloth in cool water, and put it on Peter's forehead. Peter could feel himself drifting back to sleep, vaguely aware of Wade muttering something to himself.

"I know, shut up. Oh please, our plans never go according to, well, plan. Shut up now, I need to take care of my Wifey."

Peter figured he'd made an attempt at hitting Wade because he suddenly felt pain shooting through every inch of his body. He would have to let it slide for now.

When Quinjet had finally landed Peter was the first one to touch land. No, okay, Logan was, definitely Logan, but Peter was the proud runner-up. He needed a _bath_. He was covered in things that should not be named and his whole body under the costume was probably the color of Aunt May's plum compote. He just wanted to go home and spend the next week in a bathtub. This was all he could think about ever since he got on the aircraft. So he definitely wasn't prepared to see Wade, waiting for him on the ground with a ridiculously huge cardboard sign saying "WIFEY" for every Avenger to see. Enough was_enough_.

"Oh for _fuck's sake_, Wade!" he wailed, and started walking towards him. Wade seemed to remain oblivious to Peter's intention, because a goofy smile was visible under his mask. He dropped the sign and opened his arms.

"My wifey is back!" he shouted excitedly. Although the last word was more squealed than anything, as Peter's knee went straight for Wade's balls.

He could hear Wade whimpering and Avengers laughing, but he couldn't be bothered anymore. He left Wade writhing in pain on the ground, deaf to his pleas and apologies. He needed a bath.


End file.
